Growth
The past ten years have seen many major turning points in my life. I was forced to look at who I was, confront issues that kept me from seeing my potential, and forcing myself to be the person I always knew I could be. Everyone goes through trying times that challenge them and force them to take a good, hard look at themselves and how they live their lives, and figure out who they are. We change as individuals as we grow, and become closer and closer to turning the “unrealized” into the “realized”.
The biggest obstacle I had to face, that controlled me through much of my 20′s, was that I didn’t like myself. From my early teen years to my late 20′s, I hid who I was from the people who cared about me out of fear. It made me feel abnormal, and like a disappointment. I didn’t like social situations because I couldn’t be myself. That, in turn, made me angry and bitter. I couldn’t control who I was, and the added challenge of being attracted to both men and women made the confusion even more frustrating. I didn’t know if I was just telling myself I was attracted to women to keep myself from being gay, or if I really truly did like both. It was a turbulent time for me, and lasted far longer than it should have.
I can say now, at 42, I am more centered and happy than I ever have been in my life. I feel like I am 15 years younger than I am, and I feel as if I am finally living the life I was intended to live. I’m doing the things I want to do in my life: returning to school, living a more positive life, enjoying my friends and family, writing and encouraging my creative side, and living quite happily with my partner of a year and a half.
I wish I could have enjoyed this Peace and feeling of self acceptance much earlier in my life, but I also wouldn’t take back the struggle I had to go through to get here. It makes me more appreciative of where I am now, and gives me a much deeper understanding of who I am than I ever would have been able to experience without it. So, I am not bitter about the struggle. I don’t let it control me. That struggle, sharing it with others, and the insight it helped me realize about myself, is what has allowed me to help others find peace with themselves. Turn pain into something positive, otherwise you drown.
Sometimes the simplest of things can change your life.
October 3, 2011